lusciousxander: (grabby hands by Moscow_Watcher)
[personal profile] lusciousxander
Fic: Teenage Dirtbag
Author: [ profile] lusciousxander
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG 13
Setting: Starts during Lover’s Walk, S3. Spike's POV throughout.
Summary: Halfrek gives Spike the curse that will change his entire life.
Note: This fic is written for the Reviving Spander Ficathon.

Super thanks to [ profile] devo79 for being my awesome beta.

Previous Chapters

Part 19

Made by Tickyboxes

Where the hell did he go?

Striding down the deserted streets of some depraved neighborhood, scanning every corner for a gangling, monkey-eared twit with a death wish. I can’t believe Rupert allowed him to run off on his own like that. He knows the kid is a loose cannon. I shouldn’t have volunteered to look for the basket case slayer in the first place. This is what I get for doing something nice for Buffy. She can’t stand the sight of that chit, not when she seems to be chatting up her humdrum boyfriend, and as a rule I had to be all noble and sacrificing.

If I’d been there, I’d have dragged the wanker by his Dumbo ear to join Oz and the others at the Halls of Records. I know he didn’t want to be saddled up in a van with Cordelia and her new object of interest. Must sting seeing her flirt with the uptight watcher.

A sudden chill sweeps through me when hearing a low growl nearby. I reach for my stake and approach carefully. That’s what I need; being an early vampire snack all thanks to bleeding Harris. I spot a lanky vampire looming over what appears to be an unconscious body.

Of course, it’s Xander! That miserable prick has lost his marbles!

Lanky there turns around and sees me, must have picked up on my quickening heartbeats. He looks between me and Xander, and then flashes his glistening fangs at me. Either Xander is dead or Mr. Fangface wants two fresh supplies of blood for dinner tonight, and Xander isn’t going anywhere.

He strikes. I lurch backwards. He’s too thin. I think I can take him. Except that he’s pinning me to the ground now. Still can’t get a handle of my weak and slow limbs. All that time slacking off in the library, should have put it to good use and had a training or two with Buffy.

He shows off his really white fangs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I spit on him!

He recoils in disgust and it gives me enough time to pull myself from under him. With a firm grip on my stake, I thrust it right through his heart. I don’t wait for him to burst into dust, instead I scuttle over towards Xander.

His chest rises and falls, so he’s not dead. He’s just sleeping, I realize with a sweltering desire to paste him. We were doing so well. He’s finally at a stage where he can use a knife to cut a Sunday roast without getting that wistful glint in his eyes.

I grab him by the shoulders and start shaking him hard. “Rise and shine, you sad git.”

He stirs awake. “William?”

I catch myself from beating him to a bloody pulp. “How could you do this? After everything we did for you!

He winces, his fingers reaching for his jaw. Eyes squeezed shut. “Slow down. I’m having a case of numbness all over my face.”

I pull him up by the collar and look him down. “You were gonna have a case of dead if I wasn’t here!”

“Dead?” he repeats faintly, wincing some more, then his eyes fly open, “Did you fight Angel?”

“What’s Angel got to do with it?”

“He’s back. In the really bad sense.” He pushes my hands away and tries to sit straight, his hand rubbing his jaw. “You didn’t see him?”

“No.” So, Xander wasn’t trying to have himself killed. Angel did this to him? Angel lost his sodding soul?

“Then what were you yelling ab…?” he pauses, anger gusting in his eyes. “You thought I was lying here on purpose?”

I brush my hand over my gelled head bashfully. “I’m sorry. I was too pissed off I didn’t think.” I help him up and notice the anger in his eyes has diminished.

“I’d be really offended if there wasn’t a crisis more important right now. Guess who’s Angel’s new playmate?”

“Faith?” I guess with wide eyes.

He nods.

We stare at each other in alarm then start running back to the school.


My feelings right now can be summed up by Wesley’s indignant rant.

“Well, I for one protest.” Wesley meets Rupert at the library stairs, face flushed with incensed anger. “You pitted Slayer against Slayer in a dangerous charade that could've gotten them both killed, without informing me!”

Without informing any of us. My glare travels from a gloomy Buffy sitting in front of me at the research table to Rupert and his infuriating indifferent stare directed at a brassed off Wesley. The way Buffy couldn’t stand the sight of Faith earlier should have been my clue. Setting up a whole secret scheme to expose Faith as a fraud and kick her off her double-agent routine on Team Good without telling us? Did they think we’d blab to Faith? Maybe Wesley would have ratted on them to the council, but the rest of us – the bloody Scooby Gang – deserved better!

“I'm telling the Council!” Wesley confirms my theory on why he was cut out of the decision-making process right on the spot. He proceeds to storm out of the library, when Rupert’s calm voice stops him.

“I think you should.”

Wesley looks at him in confusion.

“We have a rogue Slayer on our hands,” Rupert goes on. “I can't think of anything more dangerous.”

“At least now we know,” Buffy mumbles sadly, staring at her lap.

Rupert gives a shrug, moving to the research table with his glasses dangling from his fingers. He sits on the edge of the table next a cross-legged Willow. “And we know a little bit more about the Ascension.”

“Graduation day. There's a big scary un-fun,” Willow says with a shudder. A dreadful silence takes over the room; the Mayor will be transforming into an embodiment of a pure demon on the day of our high school graduation. Only the Hellmouth can attain such a grand send off.

Willow smiles sympathetically at a silent Buffy. “At least Angel's not bad, though. That's good, right?”

Buffy manages a half-arsed smile in return.

“Yes, I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way,” Xander retorts, pointing at the area Angel punched. “It's a good bruise.”

“He was only acting, Xander,” Buffy defends the ponce with a hint of annoyance. “It was just an act.”

The muscle in my jaw ticks. “Just a bloody act that could have cost him his life.”

“William?” Buffy whispers, stung.

“Don’t give me those woeful eyes,” I bark, too fed up with her sappy attitude. Who bloody cares that her wanker of a boyfriend tongued another bint? “Do you have any idea what kind of danger your bloody boyfriend put him through?” I catch Xander out of the corner of my eye. That look of disbelieved shock tugs at my heart.

“William, that’s enough!” Right, Rupert, God forbid one of us hurts the delicate feelings of your precious pet slayer.

“Why didn’t you tell us about your plan? Afraid we were gonna muck things up?”

“No.” Buffy shakes her head. “We just thought it’ll be dangerous…”

“Don’t feed me shite about keeping us safe,” I snap at her, satisfied when she flinches. “One of us almost got killed because you kept us in the dark.”

A surge of anger races over me, it’s bad enough we weren’t trusted to be in on their secret plan, but to have them make up excuses about how it was for our on good?

“I almost killed Angel.”

“I stopped you,” she shoots back.

“You could’ve been late. I could’ve killed him.”

“That would never happen. Not on my watch.”

“Hey, guys,” Willow holds up her hands meekly, glancing between me and Buffy, “There’s no point in this. Angel is fine.”

I direct my livid gaze at her. “Tell me you weren’t pissed they didn’t include you.”

“I wasn’t pissed,” Willow objects. “Just slightly offended.” Buffy looks butthurt at that. “But what’s important is that everything worked out in the end, right?” Willow quickly amends. She’s even worse than Rupert in the arts of pampering the slayer.

It’s bloody dogging me off! I can feel the anger and tension coil up another notch. I push my chair back and start for the door.

“Where are you going?” Rupert rushes after me and grabs my arm before I pass Wesley, who is not even close to the door.

“Let go!”

He rolls his eyes. “Oh for God’s sake, William, stop being such a drama queen.”

“Oh, that ship has already sailed.” I try to free my arm. “Now let me storm out!”

“I’ll give you a ride home,” he suggests impatiently.

“Doesn’t really work that way, now does it?”

“Hey, that’s my line. I’ve been quoted.” Willow perks up. Everyone looks at her oddly and then she mumbles, “Guess it’s not the time to be chirpy about that.”

I finally manage to rip my arm out Rupert’s grasp and make my exist. Everything was going so well, was part of a team, considered myself substantial, except I was nothing but an effing sidekick.

I used to run the show, back when it was just me and Dru, was the big shot. I won’t settle for being treated like another Xander.


“William, what are you doing here?” Angel asks in surprise, seated in the middle of the dark among lit candles and recently used shackles. The mansion is dead silent, a striking contrast to the fight show that happened last night.

I glance at the torture instruments scattered on the floor. “So, I take it you’re not evil?”

He looks away. “It was just acting.”

“Right.” That tortured, ‘Look at me I’m suffering’ ploy won’t work on me. “And leaving Xander unconscious on the pavement was part of it.”

He looks confused at first. When it lands, he doesn’t even pretend to look guilty. “I had to do it. Or else Faith wouldn’t have bought it.”

“A vampire almost fed on him.”

That does get his attention. For a mere second. “If I really lost my soul, Xander wouldn’t have lived to see another day.”

“So you knocked him out,” I point out, miffed.

He inhales an impatient breath. “If I didn’t, Faith would have done something worse.”

“You could have at least left him conscious.”

“I had to act fast. There was no time to think of what’s best for his wellbeing.” He does look guilty. Those dull sad eyes reflect that. “I know he’s your friend. It wasn’t in my intentions to have him killed.”

He sounds sincere enough. I don’t push the issue. Instead I look around the mansion, trying to find a trace or a glimpse of something that belonged to me or Dru. It’s the same mansion, but different. Dry and plain. No indication that we were residing here just a year ago. William’s poems revealed how last year played out in this reality, and Dru’s name was never mentioned.

“I admire your courage to come here after…” Angel’s voice trails off with an awkward head scratch. “Your father still hasn’t.”

“I was part of the rescue mission that came bursting in here last night.”

“Yeah, but now you’re here alone.” He does his low key menacing approach unintentionally. He stops; apparently noticing how my heartbeat sped up. “And it’s all for… Xander Harris,” the last words are said in the most revolted tone.

I smile in spite of myself at his congested face. “There’s something else.”

His face smoothes into a look of curiosity.


The name startles him. “How do you know about her?”

“Watcher records,” I lie, examining one of the handcuffs on the table. “So, uh, does she have a companion or is she a loner?”

He doesn’t answer. I look up at him, alarmed. “You weren’t her companion, were you?” I shake my head. “Of course you weren’t. That soul of yours set you apart from all of us.”

“Us?” He lifts up his eyebrows in confusion.

“Where’s Drusilla now?” I chuck the handcuffs and they knock another pair with a clink. “Don’t tell me you don’t keep track of her? She’s on her own. No one there to help. You should know where she is.”

He moves closer, his face suspicious and muddled. “Why are you interested?”

“She fascinates me.” I look away, hiding the fear clouding my face, afraid that he’s on to me.

“I hate to disappoint you, but… Drusilla is gone.”

I spin around, unable to comprehend what I just heard. “Gone?”

“She was killed by an inquisitor in Prague,” his voice low with sorrow and regret. The way he said it, underwhelming, disappointing… should be more grief-stricken, more distressed.


Air is sucked out of the room, and I’m stunned and numbed all over. Drusilla is dead. Murdered. Killed. Gone.

Because I wasn’t there.

She was alone. Spike wasn’t there to rescue her and take her to Sunnydale to be cured. I still remember her in that debilitated and frail condition. She needed me to save her. And I wasn’t there.

A heavy lump sticks in my throat, tortures me, but not as much as the growing nausea in my chest.

“Are you okay?” Hanging in Angel’s arms, I just realize I slipped. I don’t slip. I don’t pass out from hearing bad news. I’m not that much of a pathetic poof. I’m… just a bloody human.

“Did you know Drusilla?” Angel asks, his voice thick with curiosity and apprehension.

I don’t answer him. I just run. Just want to escape the mansion, Angel, any reminder of her.

I come crashing against someone, both collapsing on the stairs. Xander’s face greets me with a nervous grin. “Um, hey.”

I push him away and carry on running.


The door opens with a hushed click. The shadow of a figure expands on the bed.

“You were spying on me,” I accuse Xander with a voice stripped out of emotion.

He turns on the light and sits next to me on the bed. “I was scared you were going to kill Angel on my behalf. You were pretty upset back in the library.” He pats my knee gently. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered. Just don’t wanna be the cause of something that’ll hurt Buffy. Already did my share of that.”

Numb with grief and disbelief, I keep staring at his hand on my knee, silent and unresponsive.

“William, who’s this Drusilla, really?” There’s a hint of incredulity in his voice. “I mean, she was a vampire?”

I’m in a world where Drusilla isn’t around. A world where my non-existence as a vampire cost her her life. I was trying to get her back. Gone through all the trouble of abducting the slayer’s little friends to bring her back to me. Instead I lost her forever.

“I’m trying not to wig out here,” Xander witters on. “One of my friends already did the nasty with a vampire, so it’s not a first, but at least Angel has a soul.”

I blink out of the numbness, turning my head to look at his upset gaze. “You don’t think a vampire without a soul can fall in love?” Disappointment rips through my grief, an un intended insult that tears my human soul in half.

Eye contact not wavering. “I’ve never seen one.”

His face so close, breath on my skin, noses almost touching. I jerk away, snatching my glasses with one hand and wiping the moist off my face with the other. These ridiculous feelings, this growing content with everything, the longing to belong… the familiar and comfortable smell of home… being under someone else’s care, having a group of people who want me around them, who care what I say and what I do…

Not being included in Buffy’s plan hurt. It just tore through all the happiness and satisfaction of every beautiful thing I experienced as… William.

They think I’m someone else and treat me as such. I’m being me, but they don’t know that. None of them know Spike. I want to be Spike. I want to live here as Spike. It’s what’s haunting me for a while. Not being able to live as Spike in a world where he doesn’t exist.

Now Drusilla isn’t here. Can’t see her anymore. Will probably forget what she looks like. Dark hair and eyes, just like Xander’s… they invite you in, fill you with trust, love…

“Xander, there’s something I’ve been hiding… I really need to tell someone…”

“Man, you’re giving me the wiggins. What is it?”

I turn to face him and cross my legs, looking straight into his eyes through my hazy vision. “Don’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you now.”

He imitates me on the spot. “I won’t. I promise.”

I inhale a deep breath, considering this for one last time. It’d be easier… if at least one of them knew.

“William, what’s wrong?” his voice filled with fear and anxiety.

I open my eyes, his worried expression foggy and unclear.

“Here’s the thing, I’m not William.”


Part 20

Date: 2016-07-06 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aargh! What a great and evil evil cliffhanger. Wonderful update. You did a great job again. Thank you so much. I feel with your characters. *sigh* I enjoy reading this story very much.

Date: 2016-07-16 10:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sorry for the late reply and thank you so much! Just posted the next chapter, hope you enjoy it.

Date: 2016-07-09 11:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ahh! Evil Cliffhanger! I need to know what Xander says to that! AHH! Great chapter!!! :D

Date: 2016-07-16 10:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Next chapter is posted. Go ahead and find out. :)


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September 2016


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