lusciousxander: (grabby hands by Moscow_Watcher)
[personal profile] lusciousxander
Fic: Teenage Dirtbag
Author: [livejournal.com profile] lusciousxander
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG 13
Setting: Starts during Lover’s Walk, S3. Spike's POV throughout.
Summary: Halfrek gives Spike the curse that will change his entire life.
Note: This fic is written for the Reviving Spander Ficathon.

Super thanks to [livejournal.com profile] devo79 for being my awesome beta.


Previous Chapters






Part 20





Made by Tickyboxes





The utensils clank against the plates and fill in the anger fueled silence taking over the room. I glance from a slouching Xander stuffing his mouth with food to Rupert taking a stiff sip from his glass. The air is throttling with tension, which isn’t really foreign given my history in this reality, but it was never this quiet.

I didn’t know Rupert was back from school until I caught a whiff of roast meat. He didn’t have the heart to make a proper meal since he literally cooked meat and two veg. No words were exchanged since his arrival. It isn’t natural. People yammered constantly here.

I look down at my untouched plate, my knife and fork hanging over the mountain-shaped mashed potatoes. “Did you, uh, find anything new about the mayor’s forthcoming ascension?” My attempt to break the silence emerges feeble and hesitant.

“So you’re speaking to me now?” Rupert’s tone is as flat as his gaze.

I roll my eyes. “Don’t be a bloody child.”

“Because that’s your forte.”

I stare at his raised eyebrow. My outburst in the library was damn justified. “I don’t like being lied to.”

Something clatters on the floor. Xander picks up his fork. “Sorry. I tend to drop things when I hear the sound of hypocrisy.” He fixes his pointed stare on me. I ignore him.

“We didn’t lie to you, William,” Rupert says carefully. “We simply kept the truth from everybody.”

“Sounds the same to me. Doesn’t it, William?” Xander’s sour grin disappears as he crunches down a mouthful of uncooked carrots.

Our matching leveled stares fly over Rupert’s head. “We were dealing with a very crucial situation,” he waffles on. “Buffy thought the smaller the number of those involved the safer for everybody. And I happen to agree.”

Xander’s nostrils flare, apparently realizing I’m not going to break eye contact. “Think I’m gonna sleep on the couch tonight.”

“Is something the matter?” Rupert puts down his knife and fork, finally getting a clue.

“Nothing’s the matter and nobody is sleeping on the couch.” Xander’s nostrils flare once more at my dry tone.

The tension envelops the room with the same insufferable silence par the faint sounds of clinking tableware. Simmers of anger and hurt twirling in those hazel eyes, darkening their color with a fusion of emotions.

Xander breaks the staring match and pushes his plate away. “I’m calling it a night.”

“You haven’t finished your dinner.” Rupert eyes the food on the plate with concern. Usually, it’s licked clean after every meal.

“I’m not hungry.” Xander waves him off and walks down the hall to the bedroom.

Rupert lets out a tired sigh. “Did you two fight?”

“We’ll work it out.”

He glances at my uneaten food and doesn’t look reassured.





~*~*~*~*~






Pushing the ajar door open all the way, I find Xander unfolding his mattress next to my bed in jerky motions. He’s got a chip on his shoulder ever since I told him the truth about who I am. He didn’t believe me at first. Laughed it off and waited for the ‘Psyche’ that never came. When it finally sunk in that I’m not his William, his only words were, “So it wasn’t a prank?”

I didn’t understand at first, but now staring at my bed, I recall when I first woke up in it. Xander by my side, Rupert dashing in with hot chocolate, I told them who I was, they didn’t believe me. Xander thought it was a prank. Rupert grounded me for that.

Xander grabs his pillow when he finally notices my presence. He peers at me over his shoulder with a grimace. “Look, my brain cells don’t function well until I recharge. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Your brain cells are fine,” I drawl, leaning against the doorframe.

He tosses his pillow on the mattress and glares at me. “You’re not William.”

“I am William.”

“But you go by Spike.”

“Well…”

“And you’re a vampire.”

“In the other world, yes.”

There’s a pause. Like he’s considering if he should ask the next question. “You tried to kill Buffy?” It was carefully asked. He’s bracing himself for the truth he knows he won’t like.

“Comes with the package,” I answer with difficulty.

He inhales, eyes determined, the answer sealing the deal. “See, I don’t socialize with those who tried to murder my best friend.”

He flings himself on the mattress and covers his face with the blanket. When things get tough, Xander runs away. But not Spike. I pull away the blanket and grab him by the collar, looking right into his brassed off eyes. “I’ve been fighting by your side for months now.”

He pries my hands off his collar. “You took over my friend’s body.”

“Against my will. It was a curse.”

I didn’t want any of this. That bitch brought me here. I was perfectly satisfied with who I was, a sad vampire whose girl preferred to shag a disgusting slimy demon over him. I didn’t care for the pep talks nor the warm food and its addictive odor nor the history classes and weighing in on historic facts from experience nor being one of the White Hats and the fulfillment of contributing to the good fight. None of that did a thing for me before. Right now, I’m counting the days to fly to England with my father and take a look at Oxford. I get excited for the Bronze nights with the Scooby club like some bloody teenager.

‘Cause I am a teenager. I knew it would happen eventually. William will take over. Spike will cease to exist.

“Where’s William now?” Xander’s leveled voice doesn’t match the burning fury in his eyes. They’re almost black with anger.

“I don’t know.” I feel the shame lurking within me. I’ve never stopped to think about what happened to William. Is it possible that he ended up trapped in my body? A vampire? He did nothing to deserve it. But then again, vengeance demons are never concerned with what’s fair. As long as they punish someone, everyone else be damned.

Xander sits straight and shoves me away. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell us the truth from the beginning?”

“I told you the truth. You thought I was crazy.” I try to keep my voice low. He can tell, ‘cause his gaze darts to the door.

“I’m telling Giles.” He jumps to his feet.

“No.” I pull him down and cover his mouth. My eyes pleading for him to shut it! I spy a folded sock under the desk and think of shoving it in his mouth to keep him quiet.

I’m shaking, fear thudding through me. I’m about to lose everything. All that for a bloody impulsive moment. Why the hell did I tell him? Why the hell did I muck up everything?

“Please. Don’t,” I say, desperately. I remove my trembling hand off his mouth, keeping my temper down, though my guts are twisting with nausea and dread.

He stares at me, studying the fear in my features, the anger still burned in his eyes. “So, what do you want me to do? Lie to my friends?”

“Why not? Won't be the first time.” Didn’t want to go there, but I’m too distressed to think of alternatives.

He looks gutted. “That’s different.”

“It’s always different when it’s you, innit?”

“The world was ending! Who knew if Willow could pull it off! I had to…” He stops when he notices the confusion in my face.

“What are you talking about?”

He narrows his eyes at me. “What are you talking about?”

“The self-harming.”

“Oh.”

I should press him to clarify, turn the tables on him. But the cold thud of fear in my chest isn’t helping me think straight. I want to explain, have him on my side, have at least one person who I can talk to as myself. “Xander, I just needed to tell someone…”

“Why me? Why now?” The deer caught in headlights look is replaced with anger.

I open my mouth about to explain, but the words are stuck in my throat. Would he understand how much Dru’s death meant to me? How lonely it was to pretend to be someone I’m not?

When I don’t answer him, he gets up and wanders aimlessly about the room. He stops by the framed pictures, eying William intensely. I watch him walk over towards the closet, examine the clothes inside, how different they are from what his William used to wear. He turns around and his gaze locks with the notebook on the desk.

“So those poems, it was him?”

I give a timid nod.

“So, when I’m around you, there are no naughty thoughts a-brewing?”

I attempt a small smile when I shake my head. He doesn’t return it.

“I don’t think I can sleep in the same room with you tonight.” He fetches his pillow and blanket and hovers a bit by the door. “I need to clear my thoughts. Thought clear-age is due.” He stares at me briefly before he leaves.




~*~*~*~*~





My eyes snap open to darkness. Did Xander tell? Shouldn’t have let him out of my room where he could come across Rupert and let the sodding cat out of the bag. He’s an effin gob shite. He won’t zip his yap. Heart racing, toxic fear rising up in me, I try to calm myself down. Remind myself that if Rupert knew, he’d be on my case, trying to get rid of me for the real deal.

Something squeezes deep inside, the thought of them wanting him and not me. What a sad pathetic loser you became, Spike. Angelus would laugh his arse off. Big bad vampire, slayer of slayers, crying his guts out for a human family. I rub the sodding tears off my face with the dry side of the pillow, inhaling the air into my dry throat.

So, what if they want him? They’ll send me back to my rightful place. It’s all I wanted. It’s why I snuck out to the Magic Box, why I wanted to summon the mottled bitch. Dru would be alive. I’ll work on getting her back. We’ll rule the world together, killing, mutilating…

I heave a long, long sigh. None of that sounds thrilling anymore, not as thrilling as something mundane like going to class tomorrow. It’s this human shell with its human emotions and its human desires. I won’t want any of it when I’m a vampire again.

I push myself up and put on my glasses, yearning for a glass of water to quench the thirst. I wouldn’t need water if I was still a vampire. See? No need to fret. Let Xander blow the gaff and have done with it. I’d be rid of them all, rid of this prison, rid of school, rid of… Sunday roast and warm porridge.

It’ll never taste as good if I’m a vampire.

A faint moan flows from the bathroom. I stop in my tracks, a horrible feeling in my gut and a huge wallop of fear hits me. Numbed with dread, I feel myself floating like a white ghost towards the sound. Faint sniffles send a wave of panic through my spine.

White spotless bathroom except for the puddle of blood staining the tile between Xander’s bare feet. Xander on the bathroom floor, head leaning against the toilet seat, a deep gash along his extended forearm, shaking with silent sobs.

Bollocks! Bollocks! Sodding hell! Frantically wrapping a towel tightly around his wrist and twirling my head about for a rope… a shoelace… something it to tie the towel with… put more pressure to the wound…

“Rupert! Rupert!”

It starts bleeding through the towel, so I pull the toilet paper so hard it starts rolling. I wrap it around the towel, noticing it’s as useless as tits on a bull and fling it away. I jump towards the silver rail next to the washbasin and snatch another towel. I wrap it around the blood soaked towel and apply more pressure.

The way Xander’s body shivers so hard with sobs disturbs me. I help him lie down, his head knocking the plunger to the floor.

Rupert suddenly storms in, sans glasses and his robe barely tied. He swiftly rushes to the medicine cabinet for a first aid kit. I fall back on my bum, leaving the rest to him.

I’m crying. My teeth chattering and my body trembling, can hardly see the neglected bloodied knife on the floor through the tears. Tears for Xander, and more for myself. He did it because I told him. He was doing so well. This time is worse than the one I found him in the bathroom at his house.

It’s because I told him, the thought dawns on me like a splash of freezing water.





~*~*~*~*~






Feeling like I was chewed on and spit out by hell itself, I sit on the chair in my bedroom, huddled up into myself and staring at an equally silent Xander on my bed. His eyes stare up blankly at the ceiling, his arm neatly wrapped up and cleaned from trails of blood.

Rupert, sitting next to him on the bed, rubs gently on his good arm. “I would let your skip school tomorrow if Snyder didn’t schedule that book fair.” He scowls when he mentions the little principal. “Try to get some rest. We still have a few hours before sunrise.”

I turn my head to the mirror; eyes puffed up, nose as red as blood, and tear steaks have dried on my cheeks.

“I’ll prepare something warm for you to drink.” I hear the sound of the door opening and closing, but can’t muster the courage to look at Xander. Don’t want to be in the same room with him. Don’t want to hear him say it. Can’t imagine what it would do to me.

“We have to get William back.” His voice hollow and hushed. “You understand that, right?”

My lips press against each other as I stare at my bloodshed eyes in the mirror.

“I’m willing to keep quiet, but you gotta help me get him back. This isn’t fair to him. Not to Giles. Not to any of us.”

The room turns chilly, and my face pales before me just as frozen ice rips into my heart and tear at it.




~*~*~*~*~





First pupil to arrive in math class. The teacher appears surprised but doesn’t comment. I fiercely will myself to keep my composure. I handled it fine this morning and in the car. It was hard with Xander being there in his knowing silence and Rupert being fatherly and unaware. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to implode.

Chatter drifts to my ears, floats around me with the sound of chairs being scraped back. I open my eyes and Buffy is standing in front of me. Her hands clutching her books and her face is uncertain.

“Hey,” she pipes up awkwardly.

I give her a shaky nod.

“Look, about yesterday…” She bites on her lower lip. “Are we cool?”

What’s she talking about? It takes me a second to grasp what she means. The fight at the library. Bleeding hell, who cares about that?

“Water under the bridge.”

Her grin sheds some light on the darkness inside me. Who would have thought? The smile of the Slayer healing a wound in William the Bloody’s heart.

Then Xander walks in.

He stares at me with an indecipherable expression. He even dares to sit on the empty seat behind me, witnessing every tremble, the slump of my shoulders.

The room becomes smaller and it gets harder to breathe. I feel his eyes on my back, boring a hole in there and witnessing the real namby-pamby inside.

I can’t comprehend how it happened. I just find myself dashing out of the classroom, racing down the halls and collapsing on the toilet inside the bathroom stall. It’s insufferable, those feelings coiling inside. Drained, sad, lonely and painfully heartsick with depression. It hurts. It damn hurts.

“Spike?”

I suck in a shuddering breath.

Xander knocks on stall’s door. “Spike, is that you?”

Never thought I’d hate hearing that name again. The sound of it on his lips makes me cringe. I realize I forgot to lock the stall just as he pushes the door open.

I swallow a thick lump in my throat when his gaze lands on the mess on my face. Anger mingled with humiliation rises up within me. I’m completely off my bird. Can’t think. Can’t breathe. And for what?

I push past the boy to the sinks, trying to retain a shred of my dignity.

“Spike?”

I turn on the water and splash it on my face. Let’s wash away the sad arse tinglies rumbling inside.

Xander’s hand clasps my shoulder and squeezes.

“I don’t want you gone.”

The softly spoken words make me stop. They sounded as sincere as the look on his face. I release a sigh, holding his hand on my shoulder with my own and lowering it down.

“What do you expect? If he’s here, I won’t be.”

“We’ll find a way.”

I shake my head and walk out of the bathroom. I need a moment away from him. A moment to give my bloody heart a chance to patch itself up, to regain assurance.

He doesn’t want me gone. Does it mean a thing?

Back in class, he sits next to me, a small smile of assurance.

Apparently it does.



~*~*~*~



Part 21
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